Reminiscence
by AlexSnape-36
Summary: What's meant to be will always find a way...even if you don't remember what it was.
1. Hidden Within

**Disclaimer:** _All Harry Potter elements in this story belong to Rowling, who I am still holding a grudge against. I am not making any profit from this story. I just love Severus Snape. Bite me._

_**Prolog:**_ Hidden Within

There are deep, dark places in the far corners of one's soul where certain things are hidden. Sometimes those things are there by accident, such as long, lost memories that one simply can't reach or painful things that one pushes so far towards the back of their mind that they fall into these hidden place.

Severus Snape, however, had mastered his soul, which had been torn apart in the moment he had been forced to kill. He had taught himself to hide things there that he didn't want anyone else to notice. He had even learned to force his emotions down so that when his allies turned against him due to the murder he had been forced to commit, they never saw how much their words actually hurt him. They never saw the real him, which he had hidden away so long ago that he'd almost forgotten he wasn't truly the man he presented to his hateful colleagues. His soul hid the pain for him so that he could survive it without losing his sanity. So that he could complete the tasks given to him by the man he had killed.

The man he had killed had been his friend…or at least pretended to be. He had watched over Severus, but he had ulterior motives. He had used Severus to meet his own ends, not bothering to stop and consider what it would cost him. When the time came, Severus paid the price, killing the man he had trusted most, ripping his soul in two. The man had left him with no escape. The allies that Severus was still determined to help would sooner see him dead than listen to anything he had to say. His enemies, whom he was posing as, secretly loathed him, ready to strike at the first sign of deceit. He was between them with no where to turn. One wrong step would send him plunging towards his death…so he found it easier to leave his humanity behind. Emotions would only weaken him and he thought it would pointless to care for anything or anyone outside of the subtle work he did for his allies, which they didn't even notice. In his eyes, if anyone actually did care for him, they would make fools out of themselves for admitting it. What would be the point in caring when he probably wouldn't even survive the war anyways?

So he hid himself away and no one noticed the he wasn't the man he was making himself out to be.

Or so he thought.


	2. Holes

Chapter 1 Holes

"Severus, the war has been over for almost four years! Do you ever intend to forgive us for the way we treated you?" Minerva questions irritably.

Severus unconsciously raises his hand to his throat, touching the scars Nagini's bite had created. It had healed for the most part, but he couldn't get the scars to fade.

Minerva frowns in concern. "Is it hurting you?"

Severus quickly lowers his hand and stands up from the faculty table.

"I'll forgive you just as soon as all of you start treating me like an equal rather than some circus act!" He snaps pointedly at the other staff members, who had been sneaking glances at him throughout the entire meal.

Without a second glance at Minerva, the new headmistress of Hogwarts, he strides out of the great hall and towards the dungeons-his sanctuary. There was no one to stare at him down here. No one to whisper behind his back.

He quickly makes his way to his private chambers and wards the door behind him before lying down on his comfy black leather sofa. He covers his eyes with his hands and forces himself to relax. Stress made him stiff and being too stiff made him feel older than he actually is.

His mind hadn't felt quite right since he'd woken up in St. Mungo's. Of course, that could have been because of his missing memories. The lack of blood flow to his brain should have killed him. Instead, it had left him with amnesia. Minerva, the honest Gryffindor git, had assisted him as he struggled to remember events from his past. No doubt she now wishes she had left out more than Severus suspected her to have. Particularly the pieces that had caused him to lose faith in her. She had told him the truth when it wasn't in her best interest, so he didn't understand why he felt as though she were still hiding something from him. He felt as though something were missing, even here in his chambers. As though there were a hole in him that used to be filled with something important…something he should remember but couldn't quite grasp.

At first he had shrugged it off to having too much free time. Since the war had ended, he no longer had to play the role of double agent. He had started his own line of potions products under a false name. Research, experimenting, and marketing took up much of his time. Then Minerva had offered him his old job as Potions Master and had made him her deputy. Term would start in only a matter of days, but something told him it wouldn't help. None of it did.

There was no way around it. Especially now that he was back at Hogwarts. The holes were everywhere here. Whatever it was that he couldn't remember, it had been here. In the great hall. In the kitchens. In the corridors…In his rooms. It all irked him.

What irked him more was Minerva's not so subtle way of avoiding the subject. Whenever he tried to bring it up she would either start talking about something completely unrelated or start talking to someone else. His other colleagues would simply stare at him with pity in their eyes, as though they knew something he didn't. Or perhaps they though he was completely out of his mind? He wouldn't doubt it either way. After all, it was only his past. What right does he have to want to know about it?


	3. Grievous

Chapter 2 Grievous

_**Four Years Earlier**_

"What are you doing here, Black?" Lenora Snape, a slender woman with long, straight, dark red hair and green eyes snarls at Sirius Black as she walks towards Severus's room at St. Mungo's.

"What do you mean?" Sirius questions innocently, "I just wanted to visit Severus and see how he was doing."

"Don't play games with me! You've never been fond of my husband!" She snaps.

"True," He admits, "but I've always been fond of you. The last thing I would ever want is for you to be miserable, and if your happiness depends on that git then…" He breaks off.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see 'that git', as you so kindly refer to him." She returns, eager to see if he had woken up yet.

He had nearly died in the final battle, but the mediwitch had managed to stabilize him. He had been in a coma for the past week, but the mediwitch in charge had told her she was confident that he would make a full recovery if he ever woke up. All he had to do was wake up…

"Wait!" Sirius objects, grabbing her arm as she tries to move past him. "There's something you should know. I should have told you the moment I saw you…I'm sorry…"

She frowns, "What are you talking about, Black?"

"It's Snape…he's…" He stutters over his words, making himself look upset. "Well…he's gone, Lenora…He didn't make it."

"That's not funny, Black!" She snarls furiously, jerking away from him. "Find someone else to joke about!"

"I wish I were joking," Sirius insists, tailing her retreating form. "I wouldn't joke about something this serious."

He grabs her arm again just before she reached Severus's room. He had to stall her. Just for a few more seconds. Then everything would be perfect. "He's dead, Lenora!"

"That's no true!" She yells at him, jerking away again, "The mediwitch expects a full recovery!"

"She expected a full recovery _if_ he woke up! He didn't wake up, Lenora! He will _never_ wake up! He's gone!"

She turns around again, silently pleading, with any higher power that would listen, to make what Sirius was saying not true. It couldn't be true…

He follows her into Severus's rooms and she slows down as she reaches his bed and studies the familiar, motionless form of her husband. Tears fill her eyes as she realizes the usual motions of his chest, which indicated he was still breathing, were strangely absent. Lenora hesitantly approaches her husband and checks for a pulse…there was nothing.

"No…" She groans, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth. She shakes her head in denial as her defenses fell to pieces. She could almost see her world collapsing around her…everything that they had worked so hard for…everything that he had fought for…

"I need to get a mediwitch! They could still save him1" She says, quickly latching on to her last hope.

She shoves past Sirius and out into the hallway but he pulls her back to face him, rubbing her shoulders consolingly. "I already have, Lenora. There's nothing they can do."

"No…no, this can't happen! I can't do this!" she cries, nearly falling to the floor as her legs give out, "I can't do this without him…"

Sirius catches her and pulls her into him, leading her over to a nearby chair. He holds her as she cries herself out.

"What am I going to tell Cordelia?" She moans.

"The truth. You have to tell her the truth," Sirius answers, "You can't hide something like this from her."

"She's barely seven!" Lenora points out, "She'll have to grow up without a father!"

"Without a father, yes," Sirius replies, choosing his words carefully, "but she could have a father figure."

"What are you saying?" She demands defensively, pulling away from him.

"I'm saying that whatever you need…whatever Cordelia needs…just say the word and I'll do whatever I can for you. I know it will be hard, but Severus had a strong wife and a very determined daughter. You're a brilliant witch, Lenora. You can get through this…and, if you'll let me, I'll be there every step of the way. After everything that has happened between Severus and I, I owe him at least that much."

* * *

><p>"Mum!" a small voice shouts with glee as Lenora walks through her front door.<p>

Cordelia, a little girl with long, straight, raven colored hair and her father's dark eyes and pale skin, jumps up from the couch where she had been sitting with Narcissa. She throws herself into her mother's arms.

Narcissa, Lucius, and Draco were like extended family. Severus and Lenora were Draco's godparents; Lucius and Narcissa were Cordelia's. They had agreed to watch over Cordelia while Lenora went to visit Severus in St. Mungo's. Lenora hadn't wanted Cordelia to see her father in that state, but had given in a couple of times. She was glad she hadn't given in this time.

"Is daddy awake yet? When's he coming home? Did he say anything about me? Does he miss me?" Cordelia asks without pausing to let Lenora answer.

Lenora's eyes filled with tears again. She had been fighting them back all the way home, but now…seeing her daughter…his daughter, and knowing…

"Why don't you go up to your room and let mum and I talk for a moment?" Narcissa asks Cordelia, noticing Lenora's distress.

Lenora quickly shakes her head. "No, she has to hear this. She has to know."

"Know what, mommy?" Cordelia asks softly. She didn't like seeing her mum cry. It scared her. She almost wished she could go up to her room and no hear about whatever had made her mum cry.

Lenora kneels down in front of her, struggling to make herself appear calm and meeting her daughter's gaze.

"Is it daddy?" Cordelia questions fearfully.

Lenora nods, "Yes, it's daddy."

"What's wrong with him? You said he was getting better! You said he was sleeping a long time so he could get well again!" Cordelia objects.

"I thought he was going to get better, sweetie, but something went wrong. Daddy couldn't get well." Lenora attempts to make her understand.

"When is Daddy coming home?" Cordelia pushes as what her mother was saying starts sinking in. Daddy wasn't well yet.

"He's not, Cordy," Lenora whispers, "Daddy is gone….he's not coming home."

Narcissa falls back onto the couch, shocked. Cordelia bursts into tears and falls into her mother's arms.


End file.
